ang darker side ni Jadeite

Napanood mo na ba yung film na Christmas Everyday?

Hindi pa? Sige abangan mo sa HBO sa December, malamang ipapalabas ulet yun…

Ganito kasi yun.

Yung film na yun umiikot sa istorya na kung saan yung bida e lagi nyang naeexperience yung Christmas Day. Kasi parang nagwish yata siya nun e, sabi nya sana araw-araw Pasko. Nalimutan ko na bakit nya ginawa yun. Pero dun sa pelikula, nagkatotoo yung wish, ayun, araw-araw Christmas.

Kung ako ang tatanungin, ang gusto ko, sana araw-araw New Year’s Day.

January 1, 2009 to be exact.

Sige isama na rin natin yung January 2 para masaya.

Yun lang dalawang araw na yun.

Paulet-ulet.

Bakit?

Sos, tinatanong pa ba yan?

E kasama kaya kita nun.

[insert blushing smiley here]

Hehehehehe.

Sweet noh?

Pucha naman kasi, grabe ka magpakilig. Halos hindi na mawala ang ngiti ko na nakaplaster sa mukha ko. Buti na lang, napipigilan ko pa, siempre, alam ko yatang ayaw mo sa masyadong showy. Ang tipo mo e yung classy at sophisticated.

Kaya ayun, kelangan ko pang magpanggap. Super effort yun. Pinigil ko ang sarili kong hindi humirit at magtatawa ng malakas. Kinalkal ko ang utak ko para lang makapagdeliver ng witty remarks. Para naman kahit papano sumagi sa isip mo na “ay, may talinong taglay din pala tong si Jadeite.”

Oo, nagpapaimpress ako sayo nun. Nagpapapansin.

Pero kasalanan mo din. (Sinisi ba?!)

Actually kasalanan ko pala…

Uminom-inom pa kasi ako.

E since ang tyan ko e super sensitive. (Tanduay lang ang nirerecognize na alak nito). Kaya ayun, nung uminom ako ng San Mig Light, naging light nga ako. Buti sana kung light na “gumaan”. E pucha yung light, e “lightheaded”.

In layman’s term, nabangag… nalasing…

Ayun, gone were the poise that I kept on establishing the moment that you arrived in the scene.

Nawala na nga ang poise, naging pasaway pa.

Yung pinaghirapan kong pagiging demure, pagiging kupal din pala ang kakabagsakan ko.

Yung pananahimik ko, at pagdeliver ng witty lines, e naging super mahadera at daig pa ang babaeng palengkera na nagtitinda ng baboy na 150 per kilo.

Anak ng teteng…

In short, nasira ang diskarte.

Hay….

Pero hindi ko pa rin ipagpapalit yung araw na yun. Wala pa rin akong babaguhin sa mga ginawa ko. Sa mga kinilos ko. Sa mga sinabi ko.

I swear, wala.

Well.. (kung meron man, e yun yung….)

Naniniwala ako sa cosmic theory. Na parang ripple effect yan. Sinong makakapagsabi na kapag hindi ako nalasing at nagbunganga nung gabing yun e, matutuloy pa rin na makausap kita?

Baka mamaya nyan, napanis lang ang laway ko. Oo nga, hindi ako nagwala, pero naging tuod naman ako.

Saklap naman.

Kaya wala akong babaguhin ni isa man sa nangyari.

Pero, kung puede iimprove, bakit hindi?

Or kung may extension ang araw na yun, eto ang gagawin ko…

Idedeliver ko ang famous line na…

“Sana ako na lang… Sana ako na lang ulet…” – Bechay, One More Chance.

Ay hindi pala yan ang sasabihin ko…

Sasabihin ko na…

“Assumptions is the mother of all fuck-ups. Hindi ako Assumptionista, pero naman, gustong-gusto ko na maging tayo na lang ulet..”

“Can we start all over again? Promise, this time around, it will be different. All I need is one chance. One chance to prove that what we used to have is the right one. We are the right one. For each other.

Can I have you back with no clauses and conditions? To borrow the words of one peyups member, with no buts, ifs or yet.

Can I just simply have you back?”

Sir Koya,

Kung siguro pinayagan pa ako ng waiter na magorder ulet ng isa pang San Mig Light na nilalaklak natin nung last time na magkasama tayo malamang tumaas na ang level ng alcohol intoxication lakas ng loob ko.

At kumapal na ang mukha ko. (Pero come to think of it, feeling ko nga nangangapal na ang pisngi ko sa sobrang kabangagan)

E di sana hindi lang shameless casual flirting ang ginawa ko.

Sayang sana kinalimutan ko muna ang pagiging mapride ko.

Sana tinapon ko na lang sa basurahan yung hiya at pademure effect na drama ko.

E kaso hindi e.

May nalalaman pa akong rejection-phobic ako.

Actually hindi naman totoo yun.

Hindi ako takot sa lahat ng klase ng rejection.

Sa rejection mo lang.

Dati pa akong ganyan. Takot na takot ako na hindi ko mameet ang expectations mo. Most of the time, hindi ko nga talaga maabot. Kaya nga disappointed ka palagi sa akin e.

Kaya siguro hindi I give you up before. Hindi pa kaya ng powers ko na labanan yung insecurities ko sa katawan. Kulang pa ako sa pagmamature.

Hanggang ngayon iniisip ko hindi pa rin tayo bagay. Natatakot pa rin ako na I will fall short with your standards. Natatakot ako na makita na naman yung disappointments at frustrations mo.

Pero kung sasabihin mo na bibigyan mo ako ng chance….

Ay Sir Koya, maniwala ka, gagawin ko ang lahat. Aayusin ko talaga to ng bonggang-bongga.

Pero nagpapasalamat ako kasi naging dahilan ka para maging masaya ako ulet.

Na isipin ko na maganda ang pasok ng 2009 para sa akin.

Hanggang ngayon hindi pa mawala yung ngiti sa mukha ko, hanggang ngayon, iniisip ko lang yung mga moments natin e kinikilig pa rin ako.

Narealize ko na in fairness at in fairview, kaya pa rin pala kitang landiin…

Hahahahaha…

Salamat dahil hindi mo na ako pinandidirihan ngayon. Dati-rati kapag may gathering ang barkada, ayaw mong tumabi sa akin. E naliligo naman ako araw-araw at never pa ako nagkaroon ng karumaldumal na amoy pero ayaw na ayaw mo akong nilalapitan.

Pero salamat naman ngayon at nagbago ang ihip ng hangin. Ang lamig nga e. Salamat dahil umupo ka sa tabi ko. Sabi ko sayo, harmless ako e. Hindi ako nangangagat… ng masakit.

Pramis, magpapapayat na din ako. Naiinggit ako kay Rockwell e. Ang bongga. Tumaas ang market value. Kung gusto mo, sayo na lang yung mawawalang taba sa katawan ko. Para naman kapag magkatabi tayo at nakatutok sa gilid natin yung aircon, kaya ng harangin ng katawan mo.

Kung problema mo ang pagkain, wag kang mag-alala. I am happy to announce na marunong na akong magluto. Hindi kita gugutumin. Basta ba pera mo ang pambili ng grocery e. Hehehehe.

Pero sa totoo lang, gusto ko na yang body frame mo. Okei na sa akin yang built na yan.

Salamat din nga pala sa sa pagpayag mo na hawakan ang mga kamay ko. Maniwala ka, nilalamig talaga ako. Siempre, pagkakataon ko na kaya nilagyan ko na rin ng malisya yun.

Sir Koya, sa palagay ko, perfect fit ang mga kamay natin. Mukhang tinadhana na yung kamay mo e nakalapat sa mga kamay ko. Maniwala ka. Kilala mo akong hindi sinungaling.

Salamat sa pagkukuwento. Sa pag-oopen up. At sa pagsabi na ang type mong babae e maputi. Sinisimulan ko na rin ang paglaklak ng glutathione at pagiwas sa araw. Konting sakripisyo lang yun in my part. Kung ikaw ba naman yung prize, hindi ako magrereklamo sa mahal na gamot na yun.

Buti na lang hindi mo sinabi na type mo e matangkad, lost na ako dyan. Hindi pa naman ako sanay magsuot ng high heel shoes…

Buti na lang din, hindi mo sinabi na ang gusto mo e bata. Actually, papasa naman ako. Mas matanda ka sa akin ng one year di ba?

At salamat din na nung sinabi mo na ang type mo e maputi e may disclaimer naman palang kasunod…

Ang sabi mo, hindi porke maputi, at napansin mo siya, liligawan mo na. Mas matimbang pa rin sayo yung personality at compatability nyo…

Salamat at binigyan mo ako ng pag-asa sa linyang yun…

Kung personality lang…

E nagustuhan mo nga ako dati e, e ano ba ako dati? Kupal. E ano ako ngayon, kupal pa rin. Walang nagbago…

Kung sa compatability…

Mahilig kang magbasa ng books, pareho tayo. Magkaiba nga lang yung genre ng binabasa natin.

Mahilig kang magbasa ng manga. Pareho pa rin tayo.

Nanonood ka ng Prison Break, House MD, at Heroes. Pinapanood ko din yan. (Hindi nga lang palagi)

Magaling kang kumanta. Magaling din ako… pumalakpak.

Sanay ka sa inuman. Ako din, kung gusto mo, magbabalik loob ako sa pagiging alcoholic ko.

May isa pa tayong common. Pero alam mo na yun. Pareho tayong may dobol.

Ang saya noh?

Marami naman tayong commonalities e. Hindi ko na lang babanggitin yung differences ha…

Ha?! Kelangan ko pa rin ienumerate?

Naman e.

O siya, siya.

Guapo ka. (Oo guapo ka. Eto naman fishing for compliment pa e)

Maganda ako… (kung ieedit ang mga pics ko sa photoshop at kelangan blurred ang pagkakakuha)

Payat ka.

Horizontally-challenged ako.

Matalino ako.

Mas matalino ka nga lang.

Tama na nga…. baka madepress ako e.

Salamat talaga ha.

Salamat kasi naramdaman ko yung concern mo sa akin. Muntikan na akong matunaw nung tinanong mo ako about my ex.

Ngayon lang ba nakarating sayo na single na ako ulet??!!! Pucha, pinakalat ko pa  man din sa tropa yun. Humihina talaga ang chismis signal ah…

Salamat sa concern. Muntikan na akong maiyak nung kinumusta mo ako. Nung tinanong mo kung ano ang nangyari.

Uulitin ko lang yung pinapresscon ko.

Tapos na yun. Pinipilit ko ng makalimot at makamove on. Okei na ako.

Mas lalo akong naging okei kasi anjan ka na…

At sana hindi ka na mawawala.

Salamat sa alam mo na. Yung pampakilig. Yung matamis na yun. Kinilig ako ng bonggang bongga. Nawala nga ang pagkalasing ko after nun e. Ay hindi pala. Nalasing pala ako lalo. Pero hindi dahil sa SanMig Light na tinitira natin. Nalasing ako sa sobrang katuwaan.

Ang korny?

Hayaan mo na. Pagbigyan mo na ako. Kinikilig e.

Salamat din nga pala at hindi ka napikon nung pinilit nilang maging labteam tayo nung gabing yun. Siyempre ako kunwari, quiet type di ba. Kunwari may mga negative reactions ako, para naman hindi masyadong halata na gusto ko ng ipagduldulan yung sarili ko sayo.

Natuwa ako sayo kasi hindi ka napikon. Hindi ka nagbigay ng pampasakit ng loob. Ngumiti ka lang. Iniimagine ko na yung ngiting yun e, sign of contemplation. Iniisip mo na what if nga noh???

Sabi mo in three years ka pa papakasal. Marami ka pang dapat na maaccomplish. May mga responsibilities at obligations ka pa na kelangan matapos.

Kung sasabihin ko na hihintayin kita okei lang ba?

Hindi naman siguro weird yun di ba.

Ang gusto ko lang naman na hingin sayo is chance.

Malay mo, baka puede. Or tayo talaga.

Bakit hindi natin subukan ulet? Marami ng nagbago sa atin. Sabi mo nga nagmature ka na. Nakikita ko naman yun.

Tingin mo ba hindi pa rin tayo bagay?

Basta wag ka muna papatol sa iba ha. Hintayin mo muna na magbago din ako for the better.

Hintayin mo muna na maging maayos din ang buhay ko.

Sige na.

May secret nga pala akong sasabihin sayo.

Alam mo na, natutuwa ako na hanggang ngayon, hindi ka pa nakakahanap ng replacement for me?

Hindi ko alam kung dahil I made so many mistakes in our relationship before at nagkaroon ka ng phobia sa opposite sex

or

sadyang mahirap akong palitan

or

busy ka masyado sa career mo.

Gusto kong isipin na nahihirapan kang palitan ako. Na hanggang ngayon may konting feelings ka pa sa akin.

Bigyan mo ako ng chance, palalaguin ko yan. Parang money tree lang.

Sir Koya, sayang talaga noh?

Sana uminom pa ako ng isang bote ng SML. Baka nasabi ko na sayo ang lahat lahat ng ito.

Kung isang linggo na akong nanghihingi ng sign from Papa G, eto yung huling binigay nya sa akin…

Papa G, sige lang…

I know, I know, jologs yung video, sorry naman dun sa ninakawan ko sa youtube, pero kung kaya nyong iignore yung video and just listen to the music, grabe, it will be worth it.

And besides, it may be cheesy but the fact remains that this is true.

So kudos sa kakesohan nito.

There’s a secret path I follow
To a place no one can find
Where I meet my perfect someone
I’ve kept hidden in my mind
Where my heart makes my decisions
‘Till my dream becomes a vision
And the love I feel
Makes him real someday

CHORUS :
Cause I know he’s out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I’ve never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we’ve never been together
We’ve nerver been apart
No we’ve never met
Haven’t foud him yet
But I know him by heart

Am I living an illusion?
Wanting something I can’t see
If I compromise, I’d be living lies
Pretending love’s not meant to be
Cause I know my heart’s worth saving
And I know that he’ll be waiting
So I’ll hold on and I’ll stay strong ’till then

CHORUS :
CHORUS :
Cause I know he’s out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I’ve never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we’ve never been together
We’ve nerver been apart
No we’ve never met
Haven’t foud him yet
But I know him by heart

No we’ve never met
Haven’t foud him yet
But I know him by heart

No we’ve never met
Haven’t foud him yet
But I know him by heart

Somehow, it did escape my mind.

Today is CG’s bertdei!

CG – Cute na Gentleman pa

CG and I had been friends since 2003. Back when the days I was still short, with unibrow, heavy set young woman with long tresses of hair and an attitude of a guy. After 5 years, here I am, still short, with two messy eyebrows, still on the heavy side and long hair in needs of a comb.

I don’t need to go on to details about how we met and the things we do to each other, but this entry would be just a tribute to him. (Yet I know he won’t be able to read this, but at least I made the effort)

But he is a friend.

Back on the old days, I have this huge crush on him. He is not the typical guy that women would go fall over, but he sure captured my interest. From the looks department, I really liked his smile, and the way his eyes would crinkle up and laughs whenever he would hear a bad joke from our friends.

But mostly, what I like about him is he is a true blue gentleman. And really, please, there are not so many of them anymore. I believed that they are being called “endagered species” already. But I am not saying that it is the guys fault altogether, ever since women had profess that they would like equality, well, let just say, men just delivered. (I don’t want to dwell on this too much because I might get crucified).

Back to CG. Yes, he is a gentleman. Really. If I had known his mother I would probably congratulate her for raising such a nice man. He knows his manners and he knows how to treat a woman.

AND HE IS NOT GAY! ( I am not against gay men either…)

But CG is nice. Probably, men wouldn’t want to be called nice. Basically because they think that a woman wouldn’t get to notice them if they become too nice with them. But in my case, CG’s niceness made a huge impact on me.

I find his gentlemanly behavior endearing. For a woman like me, who has been treated as one of the guys for as long as I remember, it is kind of a suprise to see a guy opened a door for you, carry your bags without even asking, helping you in a chair, assisting and keeping you in the safe side of the road when crossing and making sure that you got home safely.

Yep, that’s him.

He is sweet. He often texted me. Even just to greet me good morning, or said a quick hello or ask how am I. He is usually the one who flooded my mobile phone with forwarded text mostly about love, jokes or sometimes weird trivias. And would you believe that he has this uncanny ability to know what I was feeling. Like for example, if I was feeling kinda crap and on depressed mode, I would then receive a message from him about some positive reinforcement and he would lift my spirits up. Weird huh? But it is true. (Not that I am admitting it to him)

He never judged me. He accepts me as I am. He would always find a kind word or two to say to me. And he wouldn’t make a crass comment if I happened to be drunk and called him and suddenly blabber that I find him attractive. He would just let it slide. He wouldn’t be a jerk to tease about me in the morning. He would just remain a sweet, good friend to me.

Whenever I was in Manila, we always try to find time to see each other. He is my movie buddy. And yeah, I don’t need to convince him and cajole him to watch another rom-com instead of the blockbuster action hit that was also showing on that time. He would allow me to led him to another chessy flick without him flinching and grossing out. (And he pays! I offered but oftentimes we always end up, him paying)

He is also my coffee buddy. We could spend numerous hours in Starbucks just talking. Well, actually I am the one who keeps on and on. While there he was, listening intently and sipping his coffee.

Yeah, he listens.

That was one of the qualities I like about him too.

He listens.

Again, He listens.

For the third time, he listens.

And he listens intently. Like he was really fascinated about your story. (Which for me, is all about my rants about my work). And he remembers! Yes, he remembers every conversation we had, so I don’t need him to give another filler whenever I happened to share a gossip. Heheheheh.

And he is such a good friend.

He is one of the first people whom I told about my break up. He comforted me. Again, he didn’t judge. He didn’t give his opinion of who is at fault. He listened to me and said something about me needs to just trust God that everything happens for a reason.

And during the times that I was really down because of that incident, he tried to stay away. He said that I don’t need him to cloud my perspective. That I might want more than he was willing to give.

Yeah, thats the kind of person he was.

And yes, he is single.

You might ask, (even if you don’t, I will tell you) if there is something about us.

I would like to say yes but then again, I know he would say no.

This is not a story of unrequited love.

Or a love story altogether.

We are not the could-have-beens, parang-kayo-pero-hindi.

We are just what we are.

Two people enjoying this.

Whatever the hell is this.

And to end this entry, I just want to say Happy Birthday to CG. He is my boyfriend. No, he is just really a friend.

For now.

And I like it the way as it is.